Sometimes I sit around, thinking about how scientists estimate that a single cell contains all the information in the world. When faced with this level of universal intelligence, it’s hard to believe Nick's pick on the season finale of "The Bachelor,".... or that we are still watching it at all.
And yet... here we are.
Let's cut to the chase. Vanessa sucks. I’ve taken to using her as a verb to describe when I’m being a bitch, i.e. “Sorry I'm Vanessaing, but I'm really hungry.” She will forever be known as the girl whose only joy in life is yelling at Nick and making special needs people make her scrap books. The only thing she did in this episode (which was no different that any other episode besides the one where she threw up on herself in an airplane and accidentally entertained me for once) was ask Nick if they are "going steady," when he is literally contractually obligated to not answer that question. Seeing as Nick's future career looks like it's buying abortions for cocktail waitresses, I think she should maybe chill and let the man make his last $75,000 in peace.
*SIDE NOTE.... when Vanessa said on the "Final Rose" (yes I watched it, yes I have a cat, yes I'll die alone) that she's only "watched a few episodes of the Bachelor," my head almost exploded. Unforgivable. YOU AREN'T BETTER THAN US.
On the flip side, it's not like Nick could realistically pick Raven. Their relationship had the depth of two fourth graders pretend getting married on the playground before lunch. Allow me to present a conversational example between Nick and Raven and you guess if this is real or made up:
Nick: I’ll buy you a sandwich.
Raven: How bout I buy you a knuckle sandwich, buddy!
*Raven shakes fist in Nick's vicinity, hitting him with marshmallow firmness on his arm. He fake screeches and picks her up. They swing around in six small, playful circles sharing a light laugh, then come to an abrupt halt as they meet eyes and are greeted by the void of nothingness.*
That's my bold and honest bach recap. I have nothing more to say on the matter (and I actually did say all of this on the podcast Adderall and Compliments, but whatever.)
Let's get to what the people came for...
It was a Monday morning and Nick and Vanessa laid next to each other in their hot Los Angeles apartment. They had no air conditioner, no money, no jobs, no smart water.
They wore few layers and shared fewer laughs.
Nick stared at Vanessa's face as she pouted in bed. She truly was one of the most beautiful treasures in the world. It was like if Penelope Cruz and seasonal depression had a baby... and that baby was all his.
"Would you care to hump, Vanessa?" Nick asked, only slightly cowering.
"No, Nick," Vanessa said, her face breaking into a scowl as she began to viciously beat him.
"Ow ow, ow, ow, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Nick hid in the corner until she seemed calmer. Then he moved closer again. He couldn't help it! She reminded him so much of his mother.
"Maybe we could go to a movie. Or a bar," he suggested.
She smiled, a cold glint in her eye. "Right, Nick. A movie or a bar. Good idea."
Nick smiled back, happy he had finally made his princess happy. But then she continued....
"Are you daft???? You know damn well it’s turnkey dinner Tuesday at my parents house and I like to speaker phone in."
Nick groaned inwardly. Drat! Another turkey Tuesday and the biggest turkey of all was... himself.
TO ABSOLUTELY NEVER BE CONTINUED....
Hump story #2.
It was the most awkward catch up in history. Raven and Ken Hinks* (*made up name, no idea who her ex bf is, or if the picture above is even him. I wish him the best) sat at Apple bees, staring at each other over a delicious order of onion ring ranch fries. But neither of them had much of an appetite for their food or cola's.
Raven stirred her coke with her straw nervously, began to say something, then stopped.
Ken Hinks sighed. A lot of things in this life had come easy to him. Killing a wild boar, shotgunning beers, commenting on Asian-American instagram models pictures were only just the a few.
However, every many had his weakness, and Ken Hink's weakness was expressing his feelings.
"So…uhhhh....jhbhbdshjb," he began, already stumbling over his words. Dammit, Ken! Focus.
Raven shot him a look that said, "It's okay Ken. Go ahead. Keep talking. I'm here for you."
He took a deep breathe.
"So Raven... when you said on national television that I never gave you an orgasm.... it really hurt my feelings." He swallowed, rushing on. "And in fact, some of the guys down at the mill are teasing me about it real bad."
Raven blushed. The last thing she’d wanted was hurt feelings!
"I’m sorry Ken Hinks. I didn’t know anyone would know it was you."
Ken wanted so badly to believe her. After all, she was his first girlfriend, his best friend, and the only girl he had ever gone down on (he did it for four seconds before throwing up on himself.) But he couldn't believe her anymore. She wasn't the same Raven. She was... Hollywood. Ken slid back his chair, an ominous silence, invisible but thick, like the vapor from his e-cig, filling the space between them.
"I'd like to believe that Raven Anne, I really would." He smiled sadly, that same old smile he had given her when they were awarded prom king and queen, a simpler time when she was still "country," back when she considered dry humping practically tantric.
He continued, "But as you so...prolifically...said on the show, you’ve only dated and slept with one other man... and that one man"… he spread his arms wide, pointing to himself… "was me."
Several nearby Applebee's patrons laughed, realizing that this was the local man who didn't give Raven an orgasm. Ken shot them all a wounded glare and stormed out into the rain muttering to himself about "shooting the whole place up and teaching them all a lesson, etc."
Raven watched him go. What else could she do but hope he didn't drive the F150 too fast? She blew the paper off her straw and sighed. Who knew going Hollywood would be so much DRAMA?!
TO ABSOLUTELY NEVER BE CONTINUED....
# of humps: 0
# of hump stories: still 2