Meagan Grainger (yes, she's going to do this whole section in third person so it sounds like she has an assistant) has a gift. When high on ambien she can solve complex social issues and help people find the inner peace they probably don't deserve. This "ambien-orinated therapy" is a unique school of thought that helps people see a more entertaining side to their problems. (i.e if your boyfriend cheats on you, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy may wrongly encourage you to break up with him and work on yourself. Ambien therapy would instead focus on the strengths of revenge, and empower you to french kiss his older brother.) If you think ambien therapy is right for you (and let's face it, it is) drop her a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Meagan also loves to write "hump stories," a talent she honed as a lonely eighth grader. Meagan's classmates didn't understand they were amongst a legend (her) and ignored/teased her, leaving her no choice but to write erotica stories after school about celebrities where she over-utilized the word "hump." Unfortunately for Meagan, her mother found her collection of these stories... and unfortunately for humanity, her mother threw them away.
But nobody can keep baby in a corner for long, and Meagan plans on writing so many hump stories that her mother gives her up for adult adoption. (If you would like to adopt an adult Meagan Grainger, email her at email@example.com.)
Why should you trust Meagan to help you with your life problems? Do you need tangible proof of her transformative prowess? BEHOLD:
Through the wonders of modern cosmetics and nicely placed breast implants, Meagan was able to turn herself from this....
in only FOUR YEARS! I'm sure you are astonished and scrambling to find a pen to jot down her email to ask some makeover questions as well. Any question is fine. She's here to help you make a SPLASH.
Here is her extended bio in case you want to hire/ or stalk her:
If Tina Fey (early life) and Anna Nicole Smith (late life) had a baby, it would be Meagan Grainger. Ranging from being raised ultra religious (no television allowed!) to being a Bud girl to posing for Playboy under a pseudonym when she was 22, Meagan has truly seen it all. It wasn't all Hollywood glamour though! Meagan was first raised in New Haven, Connecticut while her father attended medical school at Yale (he's smart, lol). Once finished, her family moved to Wichita, Kansas where Meagan was forced to fake sign her own year book because she had zero friends* (*people did not understand her genius). In college, Meagan became a journalism major based on her passion for gossiping and writing. After graduation, she moved to Los Angeles to be the post production intern at Extreme Home Makeover. But MOVE THAT BUS! Meagan discovered that she wanted to do more than just build homes for deserving families, she also wanted to focus all on herself. Thus, she began doing standup about her own neurotic life (TRUE HERO) and was in the last group considered to go to the Montreal Comedy Festival. She also went on tour with Owen Benjamin and was hired to be the host of Junkin videos. Meagan additionally got her masters degree in psychology and was a therapist at the Southern California Counseling Center for two years. Meagan studied sketch and improv at UCB and currently writes promotional commercials for NBC. Meagan is also working on a zombie Christmas movie with her bestie Vail Bloom that they sold to Steven Paul and a young adult novel about heiress killers gone wrong. Meagan is a boy crazy feminist who loves writing, slumber parties, true crime shows and sugar. You can also hear her every week on the chart topping podcast "Adderall and Compliments."